View From the Sofa – Yes, I’m fucking weird.

coaster

One of the weirdest things about agoraphobia is not so much that you don’t see people – although that will always been an issue – but rather when you do, the experience becomes very . . . condensed?   I’m not sure that’s the word. Concentrated? Intense?

Let me explain.  When I go out, it’s usually to a coffee shop or a supermarket, as I’ve mentioned previously. The only people I talk to are the staff of both stores. I’m under no illusions that these people are not  my friends; they’re barely acquaintances, but a smile and a ‘hello’ and it’s practically overwhelming.

I once slipped up in Sainsbury’s.  There had been some sort of spillage and I slipped, winded myself and twisted my ankle.  I’m not the litigious sort.  Accidents are accidents. Two guys came running to my aid are now practically written into my will – well, not really, but you know what I mean – simply because they were nice, talked to me and helped me up. They insisted I went to hospital, I insisted not, for obvious reasons. Hospital is difficult enough with my partner being present. Couldn’t cope with hospital on my own

Anyway, that minimal contact felt like a seriously intense relationship just because I hadn’t spoken to anyone for so long.  Does that make sense? The intensity of it is kind of bewildering. Of course, the sad thing is, that that intensity isn’t felt by the other people concerned.  And why should it be? They don’t know me from Adam.  Not even the vaguest flicker of recognition passes over their faces when I see them.  And again, why should it? Thing is, they were doing their jobs and looking out for a customer, there was no friendship there, but for me, it felt like I won the “Most Popular” prize.

Welcome to the fabulous, lurching, emotional roller-coaster that is agoraphobia. 🙂

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