First things first: Gigs.
I paid for tickets for a gig – Jake Morley, fact fans – and just couldn’t make it. Couldn’t even get out of the door. Right ball-ache.
A few days later, another band played – Hercules Morse. Closer to home this time. No tickets, just pay on the door. I psyched myself up for days. Deep breaths, meditation, everything I could. We set off and after a minor wobble, got to the venue! Hurrah!
Except, they’d played the night before. I’d got the date wrong.
We ended up not going in, not paying the door charge and skulking off home.
Well at least I got out.
Two days later I’m in town. My partner had to buy new shoes. We don’t do Christmas and had forgotten that it’s getting perilously close. There was a non-German German Market taking up most of the main shopping precinct and everyone was squashed into a space a quarter of the usual size. With all of the space available, I get twitchy. With this little space and that many people, I was not in a good state. Then we went into TK Maxx.
Andy got his shoes, and I managed to escape in one piece. We got to the car park, paid for the parking and . . .
Somewhere along the line, Andy had put the bag containing our two Kindles, my wallet and, worst of all, my big black book of notes for my current novel. Having paid for the parking, we had 20 minutes to leave before being fined. Panic at the thought have going back into town and/or TKMaxx, panic at the thought of having lost 6 months work, panic at a huge fine we couldn’t really afford… oh great. I stopped breathing. Andy bundled me into the car, I calmed enough to start breathing again and the then he had to run back to TKMaxx. He found the bag. In tact.
I needed to sleep. I needed to crash and watch shit telly. I needed to relax. This wasn’t to be as we were already late for lunch with friends. Still, we had a nice time with good friends (and some awesome belly pork) after which, I went home, went to bed and shivered for four hours. Then we watched Guardians of the Galaxy. Never a bad thing . . .
I didn’t go out on Monday. All this attempting and failing gets a bit much at times. But you don’t give up. You keep plugging away. You keep trying to live your life. Such as it is. So anyway. Pushing this theory to the test, I’m going to be leaving the house on Thursday and I’m heading to Paris. It’s a late birthday present and before all this agoraphobia nonsense started, we visited a lot as I absolutely love the place. Anyway, I have valium and I’m not afraid to use it! See the facepalming statue? That’s in Le Jardin De Tuileries. We’re going to be saying ‘hi’ in person this weekend.
Wish me luck.