I’m not going to rake through the politics of Europe. It’s been done to death and frankly it’s sort of moot now.

The result is 100% wrong for me for so many reasons.

If we’re talking identity, then I have always considered my self European first. My pride in what the Union can and has achieved is boundless. I’ll admit it’s not perfect, and a lot needs to change but it was something I felt part of; something I could identify with.

I’ve never been able to do that with Great Britain. Britain and it’s cruel and spiteful laws and policies have fucked me up on a very personal level since the dark days of Thatcher and things are much darker now.

So. Europe first, Britain second.

Except that today I find out that my identity is to be taken from me. Everything I am, everything I grew up being and fighting for is going to be pissed away by right wing bigots.

I know not all leave supporters are racist, but there is a frightening proportion of racists that supported the leave campaign precisely because it fitted their small minded, violent, anti-diversity view of an England that frankly, has never existed.

Right now I feel like an illegal immigrant in my country of birth.

Right now, I feel disenfranchised; persona non grata.

Right now, it feels like my identity has been raped. Not only has it been raped but it appears that I now have to turn round, face my rapist and say “thank you.”

Right now, many of my non-UK European friends are planning to leave before they are thrown out.

Right now, six bare chested thugs, draped in the flag of Saint George are causing havoc up and down the high street, drunk, shouting about foreigners fucking off back to their own country.  The police have been called.

This is not my country.

My partner is likely to lose his job. The company he works for is German and have stated that they will pull out of the UK if England leaves the European Union.  Given that what he does is so specialised that there is only one company he can work for, this poses a problem.

He will be able to emigrate and get a job at the parent company without a problem. As spousal rights for same sex marriages, in terms of emigration and residence, are still not recognised in a lot of European countries, this cuts down our options massively. We’d also have to get married which is something we really don’t want to do.

I don’t want my partner to give up his job. I don’t want him to spend the rest of his life doing something humdrum and boring when he loves his job so much.

Even through the Tories current policies of cruelty and hate, the European mainland always offered a light a the end of the tunnel. It has always been a beacon of hope. That tunnel is now about bricked up at both ends.

Various reports say that the country has, in the last week, lost as much money as it has paid into the EU in 40 years.  The pound is at it’s lowest since Thatcher, the FTSE crashed to its lowest level ever. Farage has backtracked on his claims abuot funding for the NHS. Scotland wants out, Northern Ireland wants to reintegrate with Eire. I didn’t see that one coming! Even my beloved Sheffield voted leave. Given they have on survived the last twenty years on EU funding, this seems like cutting it nose off to spite its beautiful face.

In claiming a move for greater freedom, the leave campaign set in motion a chain of events that will shatter Great Britain; leaving it small and unloved.  We’re already the laughing stock of the world.

For me, it’s gone from “Europe First, Britain second” to Britain First.

I cannot tell you how much that scares the living shit out of me.

I’m in a state of disbelief and despair and genuinely do not know what to do next.

Sic transit gloria mundi

Discessit a lumine mundi